Mullets: The Enforcement Begins

New year, new rules…
This may be my most important post, ever.


Somewhat recently, Conference Director Joe Kopena appointed me the official Mullet Enforcement Officer of the ECCC (record of this can be found at the ECCC Facebook Page). I take this job with pride and humility in addition to my other positions within the ECCC, which include, but are not limited to: an official member of the League of Race Announcers, Lederhosen Appreciation Society Chief, and the Committee for the Proliferation of the Knowledge on Why Cyclists Shave Their Legs.

Joe was quite vague on the responsibilities of the new position.  Considering this, as the inaugural Mullet Enforcement Officer I reserve the legitimate right to establish all guidelines, rules, and regulations as I see fit; thus, my view of appropriate mullet use will be that which reigns supreme.




The History of the Mullet
Most believe that the Mullet came about during the 1980s, yet some seem to be able to trace the routes of the Mullet to thousands of years ago.  The claims focus around ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia, using the Sphynx and King Tut as examples.


Mullets were also reportedly found during the Revolutionary War period.


Regardless of the claims towards the historical context of the Mullet, the Mullet really made its unmistakable debut in the 1980s.  It was prevalent across all walks of society.

Infants

Men

Women

Rock Stars

The Mullet remained a prevalent hair style even into the early 1990s.  America took control of the hair fashion reigns and the Mullet began to phase out of respectable society with the economic prosperity of the Clinton Administration and an increased number of business meetings being held in Corporate and Non-profit America.

Although the 1990s did a number on the popularity of the Mullet, it does still exist in certain demographics.  These areas are generally extremely rural areas or areas of extreme counter-culture in any country. 


However, for some reason Catalonian Spain and the Catalan speaking region (especially Barcelona still holds true to the way of the Mullet despite being a civilized, social, and fairly fashionable peoples. 


The anomaly of Catalonian Spain has perplexed social scientists for close to two decades now, and there seems to be no further advances in understanding this phenomenon.




My Rationale
Quite frankly, there was a lot wrong with the 80s.  Super Mullets, zebra striped spandex, awkward sexuality.  Wait..the ECCC seems to be a cunning representation of all three of these; ipso facto, the ECCC is in a perpetual state of the 1980s???  I refuse to maintain the conference in such a stagnant state.  Evolution is at hand.

Yes, to those of you who know me better than others, you may point out that I was only alive for two years in the 1980s and-- based on the normal cognitive ability an almost-two-year-old on Jan 1, 1990 – I don’t have the credentials or memory to be able to qualifiedly comment on the 80s.  I beg to differ.  The 1990s was an entire decade of getting over the 80s; I’m qualified.


The Rules
1. No Super Mullets, henceforth.  All other mullets must meet the approval of the Mullet Enforcement Officer.

Subtext: guidelines and exceptions below

2. “Business in the front, party in the back” will be used to qualify Mullets

Subtext: Mulletology is a relative art/science, thus specific lengths will not be used when qualifying a mullet.

3. While Super Mullets are forbidden as a hair style, references to Mullets are still permissible

Subtext: E.g. http://partyattheback.blogspot.com/

Guidelines
Mulletology (the study of Mullets) is, by no means, a black and white science.  It is an art – an art I happen to be in charge of, I might add.

As the Mulletology of the ECCC was left to my devices Rule #1 is first and foremost: No Super Mullets.  I can hear the outrage screaming down at me from Burlington, VT already.  I have developed some “guidelines” or “exceptions”.  Just to clarify, here’s a prime example of a Super Mullet within the world of cycling:

A Cycling Mullet

I just threw up a little…

Acceptable Hair/Head Adornments

Most hair styles (and other things you may find on your head) are acceptable under my rule.  The above example is not, sorry Laurent.  Acceptable hair styles are as follows.

”Normal” Hair

Basically, ‘normal” hair is anything that you can get at your local barber shop, salon, or your bathroom (mullet cuts excluded, of course).  If it looks good on you and you like it, Rock it, and rock it hard.  Just make sure it’s not a Super Mullet.

Mullet Helmets

Commonly confused with the Helmet-induced Mullet, yet they are not one in the same.  A Mullet Helmet is literally a helmet that has business up front and part in the back.  Examples include:

The TT Helmet

Darth Vader’s Lid

The Helmet-induced Mullet

This type of Mullet is fully acceptable, because the “party in the back” of the Mullet caused by the placement of a helmet is not (usually) done for stylistic measures.  Most It is simply an unfortunate consequence of wearing a helmet with longer, non-Mullet cut hair.  A very large number of riders, professional and amateur, can be seen as victims of the Helmet-induced Mullet, including myself:

Tyler Farrar Helmet-induced Mullet

Fabian Cancellara Helmet-induced Mullet

Andy Schleck Helmet-induced Mullet

The Fashion Mullet
Generally acceptable, but must be approved on an individual basis.  Fashion Mullets pass as “generally acceptable” simply because of the term “Fashion” that is attached to the term.  This implies that someone with a cosmetology degree has sculpted your hair in such a manner, so it was cut my a seasoned professional.

The Fashion Mullet, as modeled by Bradley Wiggins

Other Hair Guidelines
To keep in line with UCI rules, I’ve adopted the 3:1 ratio guideline.  My application similar to that of the UCI rule, but the application is front-to-back ratio, not length-to-width ratio.  The “party in the pack” must be shorter or no longer than 3x the length of the “business up front.”


Mullet diagram of different lengths

Dog the Bounty hunter has full amnesty over any rules I have expressed.

Dog

My rules are subject to change at any point.  As the Mullet Enforcement Officer, I reserve the right to measure an individual’s hair length for compliance at anytime I see fit, at which point the individual must allow themselves to be tested.  In addition to automatic testing of the Top-5 finishers of each race, random testing of other finishers will also be conducted.  I also reserve the right to correct any hair violations at any point after notifying the individual who’s hair is in violation.

This is my word as the ECCC Mullet Enforcement officer, and thus it is law.  2010: The Enforcement Begins.