I feel like I can call you “Dick” because, well…that’s your real name. You are my landlord and your name, quite literally, is Dick. It’s what I write on my checks: Dick. Well Dick, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’ve been sick lately with a stomach flu (so I must be doing something right, right?). Needless to say, my temper’s been shortened thanks to the gnomes boxing it out in my stomach the last few days; thus, I wasn’t at all happy when I found this tied to my ever-so-temporarily-parked bicycle outside:
Oh my, Dick. Where to begin? For ease, I’ve added sentence numbers so I can more easily dissect this horrific and just plain pointless waste of paper, lamination, and cute little red string with my one semester’s worth of epistemology. I’ll spare you one and not point out the grammatical mistakes. But seriously, Dick, what don’t you understand? We’ve covered this before.
[1] Yes, I am a bicycle owner. In fact, I own three. This one does happen to be one of them. Good job thinking with your head, Dick.
[2] Wow, now you have two balls rolling here, Dick. I have, indeed, parked – or as you say: “put” – my bicycle on the sidewalk. Dick, you have found my commuter bike, Sally, and violated her with this despicable display. Sally and I ride about Boston in perfect harmony unimprisoned and vigilantly fight off “No Parking” signs like a pair of free range chickens:
[3] Did you go to Harvard? Why yes, it belongs to the Public, so why are you telling what to do with it? Let’s look at a few other bicycles parked on public property, just for example’s sake:
[4] I’m not really storing my bicycle, so much as parking it there for a short period of time in-between class and orchestra rehearsal.
[5] I can’t argue with this, Dick. It does appear to me to be your fence. Although, I don’t have any solid proof that the fence you claim is yours in on your property. I’m looking at the M-2.0 zoning map of Brookline and, well…it’s a close call.
But wait! Surprise, surprise… what’s this I’ve found here? Article 11, Section 6.14, Part (a), paragraph 1, whereas “Bicycle parking spaces shall be provided in accordance with the TABLE OF BICYCLE PARKING REQUIREMENTS set forth in part (b)” Section (b) then stipulates that residential buildings of “4 Units of more” (hey Dick, that’s the building I live in/the building you own!) require parking room for 1.5 bicycles per unit. So, I figure I’ll just park my bike outside once in a Blue Moon since you fail to provide me with this bicycle parking stipulated by the Town of Brookline.
[6] Well I am a tenant of the building. Golly gee.
[7] The neighbors can complain, and while the have the legal right to whine like every other Brookliner in existence, my bike can stay outside for a 3-4 hours or so.
[8] So you called the Dicks, Dick? You’re a tricky one me thinks…or not. I called the Police and the DPW and both have no idea about bicycles parking on my street.
[9] See [8], so no, they won’t.
[10] No. I don’t think I will.
[11] No, but thank you for providing me with an avenue to vent down and a disgust so powerful that my post-illness appetite has returned to its pre-illness state.
[12] Dick.
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