Why I don’t do Triathlons

I turned on the TV and switched to Universal Sports to find a repeat of the 2008 Ironman Championship playing. I then went and took a shower

When I came back it was still playing and it showed people finishing the Ironman. All sorts of individuals were coming across the finish line: the young; the old; the healthy; the disabled.

As I saw all this I was filled with an overwhelming sense of joy watching these people finish…since I knew the Vuelta was starting in 5 minutes.

Ah…were to begin? Let’s start at the title of this post, shall we? “Why I don’t do Triathlons.” The verb “to do” is never used in conjunction with a sport. You have: to sail, to ride, to play, to shoot, to ski, to swim, etc. Nowhere will you ever find “to do”; ipso facto a Triathlon is not a sport.

Some more intelligent triathletes may bring up other combination sports in the defense that triathlons are in fact a “sport.” Lets take Biathlons, for example. For those of you that are unaware, a biathlon is a combination of cross country skiing and rifle shooting; basically, it’s one of the most hard-core sports in existence (please see go here for more). just kidding (go here instead). So here’s my point: biathletes still say that they skied a biathlon. Cyclocross participants (which involves biking and running, in case you didn’t know) can say that they rode the race. Triathletes, on the other hand, would have to say they “swam, cycled, and ran a triathlon.” Otherwise they’d have to say “I did a triathlon,” thus using the past tense of the verb “to do” and continually negating the athletic prowess of the sport as stated within the parameters listed in the aforementioned paragraph.

Triathletes often point out “the fact” an Ironman triathlon goes beyond that which the human body is capable of, yet people still manage to complete it. It’s like that whole doing something 110%. You cannot do something 110% and you cannot perform something that the body is not capable of. But even still, is it really the greatest test on endurance that they so fervently claim it to be? I think not… the Tour, the Giro, the Vuelta: 20+ days of racing for hours on end. And ever heard of Race Across America triathletes? Try riding over 3,000 miles across the country on a bike with over 100,000 ft. of climbing, oh right, and doing it in 8 days.

And where-oh-where is the strategy? Sure there is strategy in knowing how to pace yourself, but it’s no chess game involving dozens of other people. The intricacies of a the cat-and-mouse games against others can’t be found in a triathlon. What is there?? The quick attack; the grueling breakaway; the dashing sprint; the long climb; the kamikaze descents: nope. The camaraderie of a team in the field; riding in a peloton and knowing how to do it; having rivals you pit yourself against week after week after week and leaving it all on the tarmac: nope. Kyle Bruley or Natan Kupperstock doing a triathlon: nope.

Don’t argue with me on this one…

Next episode: The story of the Phantom Mini Bike