Smack talk: The more you know

The season’s close. Time to work on your smack talk…

Smack talk is an art, and quite a delicate one at that; the nuances of the art are difficult to master. It is an art with elements of intimidation, as well as elements of fun. Used correctly, smack talk is positive for both parties involved.

Generally, the smack starts as soon as one’s team arrives to a race. It can take place, less commonly, during a race. Post-race is out of the questions and just considered bad form. While smack talk can be directed towards one’s own teammates, it is almost always intended to be used towards members of other teams. This conversation transpired today while warming up for an indoor TT, for example:

Needless to say, Chris beat Keith…

Side note: While I did go to the event for free beer and the spectacle, I chose not the participate. The event was hosted by the Boston Triathlon Team at Landry’s Bicycles. I cite rule #24 found here for my lack of participation.

If you are a victim of smack talk, don’t take it too seriously. The key is to channel the smack talk to help you as a racer. When Steve Hopengarten is peddling up Army Hill TT behind you yelling “I’M GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE KYLE!!” you start to go a little faster. I’ve drawn a diagram in colored pencil to help:

1. Smack talk received
2. Smack talk moves to the Smack Talk Reservoir in the anterior section of the Temporal lobe. It is stored here until race time.
1. The Smack Talk Recycler is called upon at a later point in time when, in the event of a clever piece of smack being received, can be used to your benefit later.
3. Once lactic acid (C₃H₆O₃) is produced by the body during race time, the previously received smack talk is released by the brain where it combines with the lactic acid.
1. Supplemental aids may be used to increase the effect of the lactic acid-smack talk reaction. These include toothpaste and Nutella (explanation to follow)
4. After the lactic acid-smack talk combination, both inhibition and pain leave the body
5. Higher testosterone levels set in along coupled with rage and gritting teeth as the chemical reaction continues.
6. The rider, due to the previous three releases, increases speed.
7. The rider has a higher potential of winning, all due to smack talk.

The supplemental aids need more explanation: in order to increase the chemical reaction, the rider must be subject to the elements Boron (B) and Fluoride (F) with his or her received smack talk. 3-4 spoonfuls of Nutella, an excellent source of Boron, and the Fluoride from 2 brushes of one’s teeth is sufficient to increase the rider’s performance. The chemical equations are below. Trust me; I took chemistry in high school.

(Smack Talk) + (Lactic Acid) + B --> CLIMB + (Smack Acid) + (All the other letters)

(Smack Talk) + (Lactic Acid) + F --> FAST + (Milk) + (All the other letters)

Some generals rules that I have for the art of smack talk

1. Don't start anything with UVM unless you intend to finish it

2. Keep smack talk to before and during races.

3. Make sure you go tit-for-tat, with the other party involved in the smack talk. Under no circumstances should team have the “last word.” Keep the number of responses the same, focus on quality (see 4.)

4. Smack talk shall be judged upon quality, not quantity

5. Channel the received smack talk (see above)

6. Post-race smack talk is considered unsportsmanlike conduct.

7. If you’ve made someone cry, you’ve gone too far.

8. Pick your smack talk recipients wisely. They should not be strangers, but people you know.

9. Remember to smile while extending and receiving smack talk, people are always taking pictures.

Bicycle racing involves turning…remember to practice.