How to train for the season….last minute

With 25 days left until the start of the season, it’s crunch time. As college students, our lives tend to throw thing at that we don’t expect: projects, illnesses, alligators, snow storms, clueless people training for the Boston Marathon and not looking before the cross the street…

Thus I feel a need to finally release to the public what I think is a sure-fire method to be able to throw down the hammer. I don’t follow all of these methods, only some, but like the parents say, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Nutrition:

Make sure to eat as many Häagen-Dazs chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches as possible. These hold the highest amount of nutritional value in any packaged food known to man. They are nutritious and delicious, so start packing them down.

Hydration:

Depending on your current carbohydrate intake you via pasta, bread, pasta, or pasta, you’ll have to gauge you’re hydration techniques differently. Should your average carb intake be high, stay away from regular beers (especially Belgian) and stick towards the light beers or hard liquor. If your carb intake be low, simply do the opposite. Remember though, don’t drink and drive or ride; you can get a ticket for riding a bike with a BAC higher than .02%. Play it smart: turn in your Kryptonite keys at the door.

Water and endurance formulas are overrated. They shouldn’t be consumed on or off the bike.

Neither Clif Shots, GU, Hammer, nor Stinger gels should ever be consumed. You should be riding on an empty stomach and leave the water bottles at home. This allows you to lose all the unwanted weight on the climbs. You should be as anal about the total weight on the bike as Michael Rasmussen.

Coffee and espresso…hold the coffee.

Circadian Rhythm:

You should keep your Circadian rhythm as irregular as possible, this allows you to engrain cycling in your mind. Netflix all of the Tour of DVD and begin watching them at the 20th strait hour that you’ve kept yourself awake. Go to bed after watching 2 hours. Sleep two hours. and then get up to go to class. Repeat daily.

This process will, as I previously stated, will make you cycling, yes, make you cycling. This needs to be done at the above specified time in order to make it a subconscious act. Done correctly, Phil Liggett should be in your head 24/7, guiding you throughout your day.

Health

Usually getting sick isn’t usually seen as training technique. I should know, I’m currently getting over something. But, there is one technique that involves illness: Mono

I tried the Mono regiment my freshmen year, and it worked like a charm for training, especially in the climbing arena. Mono users typically lose 10-15 pounds, which is a great way to get to your climbing weight (height in inches x 2 = Climbing weight). The Mono method of reaching your climbing weight should only be used if you are over your climbing weight.

Due to obvious sleep complication with the training plan outlined above in Circadian Rhythm, do not combine the two individual techniques: pick one.

Creativity

Want to go faster? Design cycling kits for real or imaginary teams, it gives you good sprint legs and quads like a banshee. Don’t know how it works, but it’s done me a charm.

Stick by these rules and you’ll be unstoppable. Neglect them, and you’ll probably do just as well.